count your blessings

Last summer one of my closest friends passed away in an accident at summer camp.

Naturally I was devastated.

The past 10 months have been the hardest in my entire life. 

Before this I thought I knew what pain felt like, What it was like to experience a loss. 

I was wrong. 

and the pain that I've felt since the day I lost her has been the worst--intense, burning, violent.

Sometimes the pain is expected. 

It'll hit me after I read an old text, see an old picture.

And while that's painful, it's not surprising. 

The worst is when it hits me out of nowhere. 

The worst is when I'm in the middle of laughing with my friends and I remember that she's not here. The worst is when I'm watching a funny movie and all of the sudden it's not funny anymore, because I remember we were supposed to see it.

The worst is when Fleetwood Mac comes on the radio and I can't bear to listen because the pain is so overwhelming.

The worst is when there are carrots in my food and I have to sort through and pick them out. because if I eat them, I'll become physically ill.

The worst is that she's gone. That's the worst. 

I was out of town when she passed. I was away from all my friends, so when I came back, it was overwhelming.

I didn't want new friends. I didn't even really want my old friends, I wanted Liv.

I hated myself too. I hated that I never told her I loved her. Night after night I cried myself to sleep. 

I struggled with people (even more so than usual), and I struggled to feel.

I felt of course. But everything I felt was negative. I felt anger, sorrow, loneliness, longing. I felt a lot of things. 

I longed to feel wanted again. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel the way I did with Liv. 

So I prayed. I begged God to send me someone who could make me feel that way again. Someone who could fill that hole, and bring me back around.

I then experienced something incredible. I felt God speak to me! I heard Him through several people, in several situations, and felt Him all of the time.

Since the first time I felt Him last year, I haven't stopped. He's helped me create so many new friendships, and get over my "everybody sucks" mindset. 

Olivia lived with such joy, and when I think about the time I spent with her and how I felt when I was with her, I'm inspired to live that way myself. Because I think everyone deserves to feel the way Olivia made me feel. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Like they matter & belong. I want to be the kind of friend Olivia was, and make people feel the way she did.

The only way to avoid hurt is to avoid love, & avoiding love is no way to Liv. It only hurts deeply, because you love deeply.

I've been blessed with so many incredible people this year, and I just want to take a moment to say thank you. 

To Him, for blessing me with them. For hearing my cries.

To them, for being there for me in my darkest of times, and for sticking by my side through it all.

I'd also like to take a moment to tell you to stop. Stop where you are. Count your blessings. Call someone you love. Text someone you haven't seen in a good minute and tell them you miss them. Hug your bestfriend. Make sure your loved ones know you love them, I promise you, you won't regret it.

I've heard all the stories about the people who God talks to.

I've heard the stories of grief and suffering and how God helped them through it. 

I've heard it all, I just never thought that I would be telling my own someday.

This is just a short piece of my story, and I can't wait to tell the rest.