making the wall

This week my mom and I (mostly my mom) did something I've wanted to do for a very long time. We made a photo wall.

The wall--once empty and bland--is now COVERED in pictures of those I love.

Covered in pictures of me and my friends & family smiling

Pictures of us laughing

Pictures of us enjoying ourselves and who we are, no matter how weird.

The people on my wall worked hard to earn a place in my life. Especially because I could be terribly stubborn.

It was probably frustrating. To try time and time again to get me to give them a chance.
It was probably confusing. To get attention from me one second, and none the next.
It was probably saddening. To feel like they meant nothing to me, to be treated terribly.

To me it was frustrating. To want so badly for people to love me but to feel as if no one did or could. To want so desperately for someone to stick by me. But who could? Who would want to be around someone who wallowed in a pit of their own solidarity, problems, and depression? I needed time to find myself and to get past my "everyone's out to get me" attitude.

It was confusing. To want to love them, but to physically not be capable of it. To find someone who means the world to me, but to not know how to show it. To have been hurt, left and stepped on so many times that I was so afraid of the possibility of being left that I wouldn't even let anyone come.

It was heartbreaking. To have someone that I adored, but to not know how to express myself. To love someone but treat them in the unacceptably opposite way. To feel alone even while with people because I just wasn't sure.

I was going through a hard time, and I went through that time for a VERY long time. I was frustrated, confused, and heartbroken.

Those people on my wall got me through it.

Here's just a few ways they made the wall (in no particular order)

• Loyalty
• Dependability
• Trustworthiness
• Persistence
• Acceptance
• Understanding
• Love

These are just seven of the reasons these people "made my wall".

I want to say thank you to the people who knew me before. Thank you for understanding, accepting me and my situation, and for loving me anyway. For remembering this wasn't who I was, and for giving me those second, third and twelfth chances.

Thank you to the people who met me during that time.

I was such a butthead (to put it lightly) and yet you kept on. I don't know why you did (if I were you I would've been like lol no), but I'm glad. Thank you for being persistent, for never giving up on me. For understanding, accepting and loving me. I will never be able to thank you enough.

My advice to you is: you have one life. Fill it with people who make you feel loved and appreciated. Who are there when you need them, who hold you when you need to be held, listen when you need to be heard, laugh with you, cry with you, know things about you, remember your birthday, say I love you. 

Even though this life is the longest thing that will ever happen to you, it's still short. Fill it with people you want on your wall.

102 Things I Learned From Freshman Year

(Freshman year may have been better than expected)

1. Being a freshman doesn't make you less than anyone else. (And it's not okay for anyone to treat you that way)
2. Upperclassmen are mean & scary
3. Not all upperclassmen are mean & scary
4. Not all your friends will be the same age as you (and that's okay)
5. Go to sleep early (you'll thank yourself in the morning)
6. Not everyone is who they say they are
7. Not everyone is worthy of you and your friendship
8. Have friends that appreciate you & make you feel that way
9. Don't be a flake
10. Don't be a fake
11. Hurt people hurt people
12. Never jump to conclusions
13. Some pain will never go away
14. Pride comes before the fall
15. Be there for your friends
16. Go outside
17. Don't always be on your phone
18. Make sure the people you love, know you love them
19. You never know when it's your last moment with someone. Make each one count
20. Laugh
21. Cry
22. Scream
23. Feel
24. Don't try to block out the inevitable feelings.
25. Go to Disney
26. When God speaks to you, don't ignore  Him
27. Wear sunscreen
28. Liv it up!
29. Take pictures
30. Lots and lots of pictures
31. Hug the people you care about
32. Give the benefit of the doubt
33. Go to Taco Bell
34. Hold hands. With your mom, dad, brother, sister, friend--whoever--it's not childish
35. Your parents are cooler than you
36. Shut up for once and listen to what other people have to say
37. Don't always say what comes to your mind
38. Have good friends
39. Not everyone is out to get you
40. Hold that baby, it won't be a baby for long
41. Try new things
42. Don't be sorry for who you are
43. Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay
44. You're not going to like everyone, and that's okay
45. You don't have to have a boyfriend, being single is perfectly fine
46. It's okay to not be okay
47. Travel
48. Don't be the friend that dumps her friends for a guy
49. Having a crush is okay complicated & confusing
50. Write
51. Read
52. Thank God
53. Everyone is still figuring themselves out--just like you
54. You will never be alone
55. Sometimes, hope is found in the most peculiar places
56. There will always be someone who is prettier, skinnier, or more popular than you
57. Smile
58. Prayers do get answered
59. Be a noticer
60. The World does not revolve around you, despite what you may think
61. Screw the kids who think they're better than you because of age
62. Everyone cares what other people think about them, and that's okay
63. Don't dwell in the past
64. Wear something nice once in a while
65. Celebrate your friends & your differences
66. Be a support system
67. It sucks when someone else dates the guy you like, but you'll get over it, I promise
68. Be intentional
69. Some friendships/relationships won't last
70. Don't delete pictures with your ex off of social media. That person was a part of your life, whether you like it now or not. Plus it's petty & immature
71. Be loyal. 
72. Sarcasm is fun, but too much can cause problems.
73. The person who says nothing hurts their feelings, has probably had their heart broken too many times.
74. Be considerate
75. Read your Bible
76. Talk to God.
77. The pain you're feeling right now, is not who you are.
78. You will fight with people. Be the mature one.
79. Don't take sides when your friends fight
80. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you have to make other people feel the same way too
81. Someone understands
82. Peer pressure isn't cool. Don't succumb to it, and don't participate in making someone else feel pressured.
83. Be yourself
84. Sing LOUD
85. Surround yourself with people who build you up, love you, care about you, appreciate you & want the best for you
86. Even though middle schoolers "suck" (not really), remember you were one once, and remember how you felt.
87. Everyone deserves to be loved
88. Be kind to everyone
89. Be nicer to your brother
90. Family gatherings can be terrible and will stay that way unless you think positively.
91. Make your instagram captions punny & clever
92. Actions speak louder than words
93. Sometimes people just really need to know what you think
94. Sometimes people just really don't need to know what you think
95. Don't let people treat you like you are less than them
96. Don't treat people like they are less than you
97. Drink lots of water
98. Surprise your friends
99. Support your friends--Cheer them on
100. Some days are going to suck. Not all days
101. Eat lots of tacos and pizza
102. This is the only life you get. Make the most of it.

count your blessings

Last summer one of my closest friends passed away in an accident at summer camp.

Naturally I was devastated.

The past 10 months have been the hardest in my entire life. 

Before this I thought I knew what pain felt like, What it was like to experience a loss. 

I was wrong. 

and the pain that I've felt since the day I lost her has been the worst--intense, burning, violent.

Sometimes the pain is expected. 

It'll hit me after I read an old text, see an old picture.

And while that's painful, it's not surprising. 

The worst is when it hits me out of nowhere. 

The worst is when I'm in the middle of laughing with my friends and I remember that she's not here. The worst is when I'm watching a funny movie and all of the sudden it's not funny anymore, because I remember we were supposed to see it.

The worst is when Fleetwood Mac comes on the radio and I can't bear to listen because the pain is so overwhelming.

The worst is when there are carrots in my food and I have to sort through and pick them out. because if I eat them, I'll become physically ill.

The worst is that she's gone. That's the worst. 

I was out of town when she passed. I was away from all my friends, so when I came back, it was overwhelming.

I didn't want new friends. I didn't even really want my old friends, I wanted Liv.

I hated myself too. I hated that I never told her I loved her. Night after night I cried myself to sleep. 

I struggled with people (even more so than usual), and I struggled to feel.

I felt of course. But everything I felt was negative. I felt anger, sorrow, loneliness, longing. I felt a lot of things. 

I longed to feel wanted again. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel the way I did with Liv. 

So I prayed. I begged God to send me someone who could make me feel that way again. Someone who could fill that hole, and bring me back around.

I then experienced something incredible. I felt God speak to me! I heard Him through several people, in several situations, and felt Him all of the time.

Since the first time I felt Him last year, I haven't stopped. He's helped me create so many new friendships, and get over my "everybody sucks" mindset. 

Olivia lived with such joy, and when I think about the time I spent with her and how I felt when I was with her, I'm inspired to live that way myself. Because I think everyone deserves to feel the way Olivia made me feel. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Like they matter & belong. I want to be the kind of friend Olivia was, and make people feel the way she did.

The only way to avoid hurt is to avoid love, & avoiding love is no way to Liv. It only hurts deeply, because you love deeply.

I've been blessed with so many incredible people this year, and I just want to take a moment to say thank you. 

To Him, for blessing me with them. For hearing my cries.

To them, for being there for me in my darkest of times, and for sticking by my side through it all.

I'd also like to take a moment to tell you to stop. Stop where you are. Count your blessings. Call someone you love. Text someone you haven't seen in a good minute and tell them you miss them. Hug your bestfriend. Make sure your loved ones know you love them, I promise you, you won't regret it.

I've heard all the stories about the people who God talks to.

I've heard the stories of grief and suffering and how God helped them through it. 

I've heard it all, I just never thought that I would be telling my own someday.

This is just a short piece of my story, and I can't wait to tell the rest.